Updated: Feb 20, 2021
There will be moments in life where everything looks like it’s going bad. The very thing that you are creating may begin to show fatal signs of failure. In those moments, how do you predict you’ll respond? Freak out, quit, lose hope, keep going?
Well, a couple of months ago I had my first test. It was a normal day in the life of a Modern Mom. I was walking around the house in my robe still around 230pm. The washer and dryer were both going full speed and I was yelling down the hall for my daughters to stop doing God knows what.
Out of nowhere I stopped dead in my tracks as I felt a warm sensation begin to trickle down my inner thigh.
***TRIGGER ALERT! PLEASE KINDLY STOP READING HERE IF PREGNANCY LOSS TRIGGERS YOU. I UNDERSTAND AND MY THOUGHTS ARE WITH YOU.***
After experiencing a terrible miscarriage back in 2016 before having my second daughter, my thoughts immediately shot to worst case scenario. I immediately called my husband, my provider, texted my doula and prayed. Most of what I could make out was “No, no, no this can’t be happening.” After being advised to monitor my flow and to call back in if things got worse I could only imagine the worst. I spent most of that day in the bed trying to figure out what I had done to trigger this.
Was I cleaning too much, moving too much… HELL, talking too much! I had no idea and could not trace the cause. My experience this time was very different from the first as I was in no real pain which concerned me even more.
The following Monday I went in to be seen by my doctor first thing that morning. As I sat in the lobby alone (silly COVID), all I could think were empty thoughts. I had mustered up some faith since everything started however this was the moment of truth. Would I hear the heartbeat? Would the baby be okay? Was there a bigger issue at hand?
As the nurse stepped out and called my name, I was snapped out of my trance. I followed her to a dark room that was already prepared for me. She talked a mile a minute trying to prepare me for the worst while also attempting to be optimistic. I wasn’t listening. I’m more of a give me the results kinda person so I smiled and nodded and assumed the position. As I lay there my heart wasn’t racing, my mind was calm and my confidence seemingly swelled. Maybe the handful of faith that I had accumulated was beginning to kick in.
She placed the warm gel on my stomach followed by the ultrasound wand. Silence for about 3 seconds... and then the strongest heartbeat I’d ever heard came through the speakers. I was delighted and so was the baby who was super active and moving all around that day.
HOLD THE CELEBRATION…
Fast forward to two weeks later, here we were again. Same scenario playing out almost exactly how it had before only this time with more intensity. Now this time, I was infuriated. What the hell is going on was all I could think. I was starting to become super frustrated so I called in backup. My husband, doula, a few family members and two of my closest friends. At this point I felt challenged and I was determined to WIN and so was my support system.
We spoke against the negative and declared LIFE. We literally went into straight battle mode because this indeed was an attack. An attack on my body, mind, spirit and faith! So I suited up and went head to head on this one. I went into the doctor to be seen with an entirely different approach. Still calm but moreso assured. Assured that my body knew what it was doing even if the doctors didn't, that baby was protected and that God had it all under control.
That morning I boosted myself up on this song that my good friend had sent me a few days before. I invite you to take a listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3TOPBr8k8xY
As I walked in the same room I had been in just a couple of weeks before I was ready for good news and boy did I get it. As soon as she placed the ultrasound wand on my belly she captured the best sign of confirmation that I had ever received. The baby was literally giving us a ‘thumbs up’!
Listen… I. WAS. DONE! Overwhelmed with gratefulness.
I want to encourage anyone who may be going through a test. Things may not look like they are working out in your favor but that is when miracles happen. If you’ve experienced the other side of this situation please know that I understand and can completely relate to the roller coaster of emotions that you may feel. Take your moment, allow yourself to FEEL, whatever that means and looks like for you but be sure to reset and get back in posture to accept the many blessings that are coming your way.
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